She is Not OK

Hold on to your compression socks, babies, Jill is doing some angry writing again.

Let me make one thing clear, I am in the final stages of finishing a book with a deadline in two weeks. (In case you’re wondering, no, I am not writing another book on the topic of amenorrhea or overtraining syndrome because until one can be written that addresses the ACTUAL issues, I think we have quite enough books out there that invite us to unnecessarily obsess as it is. This is another topic for another pissed off post.)  I don’t have time right now to be writing about this. I need to focus on my other project. But, sometimes I see things that go up one side of my nerves and down the other, so I have to write something or my head is going to pop off.

Screw the backstory on this. I can tell you the name of the website where I saw this interview, the podcast where I heard the person talking about it, or the blog where I read the person wasting 500 words trying to convince themselves of their own bullshit, but it doesn’t matter where I found it because it’s everywhere. Tell me...does this sound familiar?

“Runner suffered with disordered eating/eating disorder, but since discovering ultramarathon/triathlon/gym athletics they have been able to successfully recover. But, never you mind about the person’s popping hip bones in this profile pic or their turn to veganism/intermittent fasting/keto/paleo because that’s them just ‘taking care of their nutrition’. “

No, no, no, no, and no. I don’t really care who wants to fight me on this: you don’t heal from one obsession by replacing it with another. You haven’t figured out how to have inner peace, what you have done is wrangle your body into submission with movement. You have not figured out how to nourish your person, you are using the excuse of sport to feed yourself.

Eating is only not scary for you now because you’re burning all of the calories off and you know it.

You can not heal from what pushed you into disorder, that frantic grab for control in a sea of perceived chaos, by drowning it out with relentless forward motion.

This is not healing, this is hiding.

Think I am wrong? Here’s the test:

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE TO STOP?

That’s right, I said it. The real test to whether or not someone is healed is how well they handle STOPPING; not transferring obsessions, not jumping to a new sport, not hiding out under the guise of “wellness” or “strength” or “kicking ass”.

How recovered are you now?

Oh hey, your personal demons called and left a message while you were out on your run: We’ve called several times before, but you must be so busy! We will be here waiting for you when you get back. Forever.

But, who am I, right? I know nothing. I’m just the person getting a masters degree in psychology WHILE observing what is happening in the media as we’ve all decided to condemn weight loss, embrace body positivity, and notice how our social media value bumps up a few notches the more we wag our fingers at diet culture and tell people we are finally getting over it.

Only we are not over it. We have just shoved it into another position. We are now talking about “achieving the impossible” and “getting healthy for my kids” and “pushing limits”. We are lying to ourselves again, but this time it looks nicer as a caption.

This is me getting nauseous.

This is me shutting up now.

Back to my book...